Onyis Martin, in his show Ín The Beginning’ at The African Arts Trust brought the walls of Nairobi to the gallery. Using a mix of papermache, acrylics and found objects, Onyis depicted late capitalisms development in the arena of public space. At first when I saw Onyis's show, I had mistaken his pieces to be mixed media sculptures on black identity. I mostly thought this because the walls he was creating were too familiar. I’ve unlocked my threshold, been expanding ever more and more. And with this new bandwidth that I have, I can finally load the webpages within me that I could not handle in my previous capacity. Thats just to say that I am shifting. And with this shifting comes realising. Comes taking off the sugar coated icing. Goodbye romanticisation. Goodbye a lot of things. This is what reality really is. I’m only now realising that what I have mistaken to be Nairobi identity, is only really just the outcomes of hyper capitalism. That overstimulated awe I would feel walking downtown. That manyness. That man that has a shoe shop near (name) road and every time you walk by it you have to pause your conversation or louden your voice to overcome the offensively loud of his which advertises his shoes which are bei nefu. That I can walk by a man covered entirely in socks., or entirely in stockings, how that is their job. Hyper capitalism is that thing I have found fascinating of this nation and its people. It really is dog eat dog out here. It really is fight, because how can you not fight against capitalism? How can you not fight against that which wants to drown you? The empire is that thing downing me and in my ongoing journey of radical healing, I am calling it out. You, capitalism, it is your fault.
Of course I take accountability for the ways I have behaved while wounded. When I didn’t know I was hurt. That I had been hurt continuously, violently, badly throughout various moments of my childhood. Wounded because I was born into a wounded land, held in wounded arms and taught by wounded minds. May deepest compassion with those who raised me, those who taught me and those who witnessed me grow. I am sorry that this happened to us. It only makes sense that Nairobi is the way it is. That it is a capitalist paradise. It was moulded in the hands of those who loved the empire. It was raised with the minds of those who conformed. I keep on thinking about the land a lot because however it was stewarded was forgotten. Old knowledge, old myths, old songs. Our minds were wiped clean so we could think how the empire thinks and serve it. That is what Nairobi’s hyper capitalism is, the sum of our obedience.
Of course I do not blame the local shopkeepers, people trying to only exist in this economy which demands from them more and more labour and more and more innovation on how they can pay off their cost of living. I blame the leaders. All of them, no matter how good they were and helped the people. They were not radical enough. But weren’t their minds primed and pruned by the empire. Then yes, I blame the empire too. In fact I blame the empire most of all. In a recent YouTube video I watched, I learnt how the emotion at which we vibrate determine our reality. Anger, fear, guilt and shame are the lowest of emotions. I have also been observing how my thoughts determine my reality and practicing holding healthy and loving thoughts towards myself, others and my circumstance. Nairobi’s hyper capitalism can really wear me down, the fucking empire wears me down. The empire even benefits from me being down. It enjoys seeing me unhappy and anxious. I use my words as a layer of protection on myself and my energy. I restore my gratitude. I affirm. These have been my methods of taking care of myself despite.
Despite the shit state of things. I’ve been using community too. Community workshops. Collaborations. Conversations. Sherehe. I have been assuring myself and others that we are not alone in this. That we are most definitely there. And that we see the shit going on and it repells us too. I take this practice day by day. Forgiving myself as well cos I literally am the product of generations of empire certified indoctrination. There is more to life than hyper capitalism. This is where I want to gather with everyone. Another world, in the beyond, some place like heaven.
Sending you all peace and love
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